Life.

Oh my my my

2012-01-22T01:26:00.000-08:00

So ... today's the eve of Chinese New Year. It sucks.

Festivities just don't hold the same appeal as it did when we were younger.

It has become more of a drag, traditions are annoying.

CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO BE OVER.

"You're just another picture to burn"

- Taylor Swift: Picture to Burn

Little Dreams

2011-11-09T01:50:00.001-08:00

We've all come a long way.

I started this blog when i was in Secondary 1 ... That was 3 years. Coming close to 4.

And i changed a lot. In the way i type, the words i choose ... It's a big change.

I was looking through all my old posts and all the memories came back. Like, fwah. It came in torrents, not in bits and pieces. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but it certainly helped in the letters i'm going to write. Heh.

Meh i've lost my inspiration. But the point is, we've all come a long way. Looking back, i'm sure even you can see the change that has taken place. And i've willingly embraced it. There wasn't a choice anyway. Aha.

Memories.

2011-11-03T05:19:00.000-07:00

It's strange, O levels are here.

I'm prepared, but no one seems to believe me. Asshats.

Just because i'm looking at my laptop screen doesn't mean i'm not studying you close - minded fools.

Anyway, time is passing. I don't know if i like it. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes i just feel like crying. The uncertainty of the future, i could imagine it. There're so many paths i could go down, but what determines the path i take is actually me. There is a choice, no matter how blind i am to them. There're always choices, and i've realised that now. I've never regretted a single decision i've made as of yet. But there's this feeling that i have, like i'm missing something. Perhaps it's because i haven't resolved some issues. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. The possibilities are endless.

Friendship.

No matter how we've gotten mad at each other, we've always made up. I really want to sit down and talk things out with you. Just what went wrong with us? My head hurts, and there's a pang in my heart as the only thing i can do now is to look at the neoprints we've taken when we were younger. Those were good days. Because no matter what, we forgave each other. Is it too late now? Is it too late to leave our 5 years of friendship behind us? The few times we met each other, only awkward smiles were given, no words were exchanged. It stings. I miss talking to you. Really i do. Whenever i see you now, i feel the words i've always wanted to say to you on the tip of my tongue but i've never had the courage to go up to you and tell you what i want to say. Because you intimidate with me. Because regardless of how much i want to tell you how much i miss our friendship, i remember that year where i got the feeling you hated me. It was terrible. You had no idea how much at a loss i was. I didn't think i could've survived it if it wasn't for the support of other people. I miss you.

Man i miss being young. Growing up, i've changed. I've realised that much about myself. But whether others like it or not, i'm sticking with who i am now. Take it or leave it.

Tears

2011-10-22T05:12:00.001-07:00

I'm tired of this.

I wish someone can just kill me now.

fml

2011-10-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

Fuck it.

Someone kill me now.

I'd rather die than go to church and live a life full of lies.

Disaster

2011-07-26T00:58:00.000-07:00

I should've known. It was real.

You never did treat me as a friend.

But why?

What did i do?

Why do you hate me?

Fuck. Why now?

Maddi Jane (Y)

2011-07-09T07:16:00.000-07:00

Check Maddi Jane on youtube out. She's friggin awesome.

I screwed up my SS test. No surprise there.

My pen ran out of ink halfway through the test.That was the surprising thing.

How brilliant. Z

Learn to live half - alive,

Raw emotion

2011-07-05T04:26:00.001-07:00

I can't handle this

Take me Home

2011-06-12T04:16:00.000-07:00

I feel lost.

Complaints.

2011-05-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

Mid Years are over. Time is passing too fast. Way too fast.

OHNO. I FEEL OLD.

I miss running like a little kid, free of worries and burdens and every shit i have to carry now.

Dawww.

Just Tonight.

2011-04-19T05:29:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a story of their own ;

Sometimes when i look at you, i get reminded of our past.

I'd look back and wish i had done something.

But it's all too late.

Mid years are coming. I'm so dead. Gah.

I can't trust you anymore. Not that i ever put much trust into you.

Because you weren't there.

2011-04-14T03:52:00.000-07:00

Y'know what, i'm sick of being the one you come to when you're out of friends. I'm going to tell you straight in the face if that ever happens. It's your fault. I won't ever look back to this "friendship" i've had with you. Not since this year. You were a hypocrite. You still are. & i've changed. I'll be better than you. Just as i've always had been. You're going to be left behind. Left to rot. Serve you right.

Hate this. Z.

Experimental

2011-04-04T05:45:00.000-07:00

So i've just cut my hair and i realised. Short hair really doesn't suit me. (Laughs) But i'll still cut my hair. Every year. Heh.

I've been questioning some things recently, and no one is able to give me a direct answer. How ... sad. My vocabulary is becoming dangerously limited. & tomorrow's my essay test. Oh no.

Jaded

2011-03-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

You don't understand. You simply don't understand.

& I won't explain it, because you never remember. Ever.

We got back our results today. I don't like it. I hate it. But you won't accept it. Do you really think i like it. Use your brains a little. I'm not happy about it either. Why won't you be more logical. See. This is why i won't confide in you. Stupid. I hate you.

Just. Z. Fuck it.

I hate you.

2011-03-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

I give up on Chinese. Bloody hell.

Hatred

2011-03-12T08:07:00.000-08:00

I wish i'm dead.

I hate things which i'm suppose to be grateful for, but i guess i'm not.

You wanna know why ?

It's because i don't see the value in it. I don't see how beneficial it is to me.

I'm selfish, i admit. But hey, all humans are. I'm just more selfish than your average human.

Screw you if you can't accept that.

I can't believe this treatment i'm getting is called a fair treatment.

Pfft. Yeah right. Open up your eyes and see what's in front of you. It ain't love.

It's hatred.

And you wonder why i act so indifferent towards you. Use your brain a little why don't you.

Oh sorry, i forgot. You don't have one.

Z. I'm done being rude. Thanks.

Maybe that's what you call true love.

2011-03-07T05:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get into these moods which makes me feel lethargic, moody and everything horrible in this world.

"Because technically we don't need to breathe."

I wish that could happen.

Twilight

2011-03-02T06:29:00.000-08:00

I love the English with their accents.

They bring a whole new perspective to Twilight. Well the series anyway.

Charlie & Alex is so cool. Hahaha.

I need to start mugging.

Get it up.

2011-02-21T00:03:00.000-08:00

I need a proper rest. Z.

There isn't much to do now. I'm in school, using the computer to blog. Yeah, i'm real nice.
I should be finishing my homework but heck it. It'll just be another 3 hours sleep for me. I guess this attitude is why i sleep at 2. Ha.

I'm such a hypocrite. But i really am too lazy to stand up for my own rights anymore.
I can't believe. I don't believe. I won't believe.
It just seems so unreal. That there actually is someone who would willingly forgive all our wrongdoings and even die for us. Talk about sacrificial. Well, back to the point. I'm actually sorry i'm a hypocrite to this matter, but if i even try to squeeze my way out of this problem, my parents (including my dad, unfortunately) would give me a black face and come back home immediately after church. Now who would want that? So i go for church. Good thing is, I'm always late. Not on purpose but i guess it isn't very high on my priority list which is why i'm late. Same for choir. Ha. I shouldn't have joined in the first place if i knew i never believed.

Bah. Too late for regrets. I'm going to finish my work now.
Bye//

Zilch

2011-02-06T06:26:00.000-08:00

Don't come crying to me if you break up again. Thanks.

Thank you.

2011-02-04T04:36:00.000-08:00

Chrome let me into Blogger ! (Y)

I've been listening to Sound Horizon again. Heh.
Reunion dinner on the 9. :/

I'm gonna have a horrid time trying to speak Chinese with my relatives while some other people get to go to Taylor Swift's concert. Rah. Talk about fair. Tsk.

Shopping tomorrow with cousin, Dan, Yao Shun & sister !

I HAVE TO FINISH MY COMBINED HUMANITIES HOMEWORK. NOOOO.

You're a bloody hypocrite.

Contempt.

2011-02-03T07:37:00.000-08:00

Focus.

"I can't seem to think straight when i see you."

Ah. I miss being young.
To be able to be completely relaxed and smile the day away.
To be completely at peace with myself.
To be without grievances.
To just accept things without question.

The world is so screwed up. But what the hell. No one can have that big of an impact to stop all this shit that is happening right now. Ha. And people talk about their gods coming to save us all. (Not to start a riot or anything, just stating my views.)

I look at you and i can still see the hatred you have of me in your eyes. As if i've did you wrong without my knowledge. Pfft. Speak up would you? I don't want to leave this shit without knowing why you hate me.

You're a bloody follower which is why you aren't in a leadership position. Idiot.

Over and over again

2011-01-27T02:15:00.000-08:00

I just wish i'm dead sometimes.

Get a brain.

2011-01-11T05:09:00.000-08:00

Screw everything.

I don't live to tell you answers buster.

You don't even talk to me in school !

I'M NOT YOUR ANSWER BOOKLET TO LIFE BASTARD.

Leave

2010-12-30T17:36:00.000-08:00

Because we have a bond, an unbreakable bond.

I can't forget the memories we've created together,

the pain, the laughter, the joy.

You'll always be my friend, even after you betrayed me.

Because we share a bond.

I always look at your profile.

To see how much you've changed.

To see if you still do what you did.

To see if he was still your friend.

Ha, i feel a stalker.

Rah, i miss camp stars. I wanna organise an outing, but. I've lost all my contacts. -.-

Rahrahrah. SHOPPING LATER. Hell yeah.

You don't even know where I start

2010-12-29T21:31:00.000-08:00

Camp was ... okay at best.

Mm. It's gonna be 2011 soon. Reflection timeeee.

I guess it's been a good year, despite my many failures. I've made a few improvements in subjects and had gotten mostly what i wanted. Rah. Even though i did it on my own. Pfft.

I guess i'm still bitter though. About many things. Friendships, relationships, religion, studies. I guess that about covers my whole life. Hah.

Rah. Whatever. At least i got to know more people.

Mm. Gotta improve on my attitude + temper. Haha.

I still don't want to take that confirmation thing though. Tsk.

To: Guest.

2010-12-23T16:52:00.000-08:00

Winter.

People have to know one thing about me.

If you aren't my friend, i don't care about what you say. Neither will I do anything about your issues with me. So identify yourself. Z.

I'm such, a rude person. Hah.

But i really don't wanna care about such things anymore.

Radical honesty anyone?

Just a few more days to church camp and then school. What joy.

Combined humanities is still not done. Omt.

If you have something to say, say it in his face.

Stop cursing under your own breath where no one can hear anything except a few harsh whispers.

This is so screwed.

I'll change if you start being honest for once buster.

It doesn't give you anything.

2010-12-13T16:14:00.000-08:00

So i've realised that there are very little days left till school reopens. & i guess i'm suppose to be panicking? Bah.

I haven't been studying much lately. Heck, i still haven't finish my holiday homework.

I should do it tonight i guess. Mm.

I'm. So. Bored.

Eff you.

2010-11-30T19:03:00.000-08:00

Fuck. I hate my mum. Why can't she just accept the way I am?

If she came from the western countries i'm gonna bet we'd get along just fine.

Z. Bloody hell.

It's so hard to get along with her. -.-

One second it'd be fine and then I say something and she goes apes on me.

Fuck. Can't she actually understand what i'm trying to say?

Why does she always have to be so bloody defensive? Fuck it.

Dang

2010-11-30T02:58:00.000-08:00

"We should recognise that (South Korea) is confronting the world's most belligerent group,"

- Some guy from some cabinet

So i came back from camp. Without a phone. ):

It was stolen. Z. I don't know how i'm gonna survive.

My mum gave me a big scolding when i came back. Z.

Now my dad lent me his new phone. But no SIM card. Hm. Quite useless. LOL.

Omg, no contacts too. Shizz. ):

Okay.

Camp was like, crap? Cause the group members were all annoying. -.-

Except for Daniel. HAHA. Omg, he damn funny.

Shit. I think i talk like a gangster. ):

300th Post

2010-11-26T08:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Paul.

I've a lot of things to say but the moment i enter this website, i forget everything.

Tch.

I lost my consent form. After a few hours upon getting it.

Haha.

Hope.

2010-11-21T01:32:00.000-08:00

I'm tired.
Tired of feeling lost, afraid, misunderstood.
Tired of wondering if I'm letting someone down by the choices I've made.
I'm tired.
Tired of getting my feelings hurt, my ego bruised, my heart broken.
Tired of showing these varmin called emotions.
I'm tired.
Tired of being me, of being weak.
Tired of trying to be this person I cannot see.
I'm tired.
Tired of all the pain, all the struggle I've put upon myself.
Tired of not being the person I was.
I'm tired.
Tired of hiding, hoping, and healing.
Tired of listening, learning...letting.
I'm tired...I'm tired.

I'm quitting.

It wasn't easy

2010-11-15T01:01:00.000-08:00

Sophistication isn't what you wear, or who you know
Or pushing people down to get where you wanna go
Oh they didn't teach you that in prep school
So it's up to me
But no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity
- Better than Revenge, Taylor Swift

WTFREAK. I'M NOT FREE AT ALL THIS HOLIDAY.
Please make me sick for the first 2 days of school.

Dan's coming ! (Y)

Modicum of Dignity

2010-11-14T07:59:00.000-08:00

Don't be sad. (:

Simply plebeian

2010-11-14T06:53:00.000-08:00

Something keeps me holding onto nothing

My ballet exam on Friday was shit. Made some mistakes.

Grieved over it by acting like a bimbo for the rest of the day.

Pfft. I'm never doing it again.

Saturday was pretty mundane. Except that i've forgotten to wear my spectacles to church.

Tch.

Xanthe flew off today. ): Well, hope she has fun. Hurhur.

I'm not doing anythink productive recently. Shit.

I feel like a freezing popsicle, all the way to my ass.

HOT AMERICAN & EUROPEAN GUYS (Y)

2010-11-09T08:21:00.000-08:00

I met a hot European/American guy on the bus today ! <:

HEEHEE.

So hot. HAHAHA.

Matthew called me a perv. Z.

BUT HE WAS JUST SO DROP DEAD GORGEOUS.

I think i go for older guys. HAHAHA. Omg.

How embarrassing.

I SHALL FORGET WHAT HAPPENED OPPOSITE SCHOOL TODAY.

Back to December

2010-11-07T08:18:00.000-08:00

My eye is twitching so much it's annoying. RAWR

Speak Now

2010-11-07T01:26:00.000-07:00

My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.

061110

2010-11-06T18:27:00.001-07:00

Sentosa was awesome. (Y)

Twitter

2010-11-05T18:05:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I joined twitter and actually have an urge to tweet. OMGAH !

Haunted

2010-11-05T01:48:00.000-07:00

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

-© Speak Now, Haunted, Taylor Swift.

I haven't forgotten.

I'll get it eventually. Just you wait.

Bah. I don't feel like working. I don't feel like doing anything actually.

I'm such a slug. Pfft.

Is it possible to be happy without doing anything ? I wonder.

Should I quit ballet, just when I finally started enjoying it again?

I don't know. I really don't.

On one hand, I have more pressing matters to attend to.

Would I be able to handle it if I continued dancing?

Meh.

It just hurts and I don't know why.

2010-11-04T21:27:00.001-07:00

I'm so full of hatred right now it's incredible.

Operation Midget-and-Giant

2010-11-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

Quite the disgusting thing he is. Wouldn't you agree ?

I'VE FINISHED MY EMATH HOMEWORK. (Y)

Starting on Amath. Booooooo. Blah.

I wanna go to Taylor Swift's Concert! :D

But i can't. -:-

OH WELL.

I wanna go out. ):

Methought a serpent ate my heart away,

And you sat smiling at his cruel prey.

- A Midsummer Night's Dream, Hermia, Act 2 Scene 2, Lines 155 - 156

Trinity

2010-11-01T04:50:00.000-07:00

I wanna go to Trinity College in Melbourne. ):

It's beyond cool, I'm telling you.

Sigh.

It's like I've stopped existing.

Watching Criminal Minds at night is a bad idea. HAHA.

Apologies.

2010-11-01T04:42:00.001-07:00

I've been losing my temper easily lately. Booo. Sorry.

Do you know who you remind me of? Someone you equally loathe.

Both of you act the same way.

Discarding those who is of no use to you.

I don't want to care about them. GAHH.

Thoughts.

2010-10-19T05:11:00.000-07:00

You make me wonder.

Tell me why.

2010-10-18T06:06:00.000-07:00

I guess I can't be happy. Pfft.

Khakis

2010-10-18T05:07:00.000-07:00

I'll be sassed.

I did something oh-so-embarrassing it's not worth mentioning. SIGH.

Bum de dum. I wish it'd stop. Bloop.

Going out with my cousin is amusing.

Red pants. (Snickers)

All the things I still remember

Summers never looked the same

Years go by and time just seems to fly

But the memories remain

In the middle of September

We still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose but everything to gain

Reflecting now how things could've been

It was worth it in the end

leave it

2010-10-11T04:24:00.001-07:00

I wanna drop dead.

I feel like dropping dead.

To sleep forever. Z.

All the trouble that we gave

2010-10-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

We're down to our last week of tests. Huhu.

September by Daughtry is nice. :D

"Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard" - Like a G6

EOY

2010-10-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

Omgah. THE DAY EOY COMES IS IN 40 MINUTES.

Do i make sense ? O:

HAHA. Well. Huhu. I'm not even done with anything. Except Bio. Like, an hour ago. HAHAHA.

I'm prepared to fail but i'll try hard. :D SO EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD TOO. :D

It was fine.

Monotonous.

2010-09-27T03:44:00.000-07:00

I had a dream about you yesterday. I guess I really should talk to you soon.

This is shit. I don't feel like studying. I'm not even halfway done. Nooooooo.

Bad Apple

2010-09-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

I miss having a life.

Even in the midst of flowing time,

Look, listlessness dances round and round,

I can't even see my heart,

As it withdraws from me, and i don't care.

Even if i don't make a move,

I keep being swept away through the cracks of time.

I don't give a damn about anything around me,

I am me, and that's all there is to it.

Am I dreaming? Am I seeing nothing?

My words are useless, even if I were to speak them.

Sadness only leaves me exhausted,

And i'd rather live my days feeling nothing.

Even if you told me those bewildering words,

My heart would be elsewhere, not listening.

If i were to make a move on my own, and change everything,

I'd still turn it all black.

Is there a future for someone like this?

Do I belong in this world?

Does my heart ache now? Do I grieve now?

I simply know nothing about myself.

Merely walking leaves me exhausted,

So how could I care about anyone else?

If even someone like me could change,

Were i to actually change, i'd turn white.

Even in the midst of flowing time,

Look, listlessness dances round and round.

I can't even see my heart,

As it withdraws from me, and I don't care.

Even i i don't make a move,

I keep being swept away through the cracks of time.

I don't give a damn about anything around me,

I am me, and that's all there is to it.

Am I dreaming? Am i seeing nothing?

My words are useless, even if I were to speak them.

Sadness only leaves me exhausted,

And I'd rather live my days feeling nothing.

Even if you told me those bewildering words,

My heart would be elsewhere, not listening.

If i were to make a move on my own, and change everything,

I'd still turn it all black.

If i make a move, if i make a move,

I'll destroy it all, i'll destroy it all.

If I grieve, if I grieve,

Would my heart turn white?

I still know nothing about you, nothing about myself,

Nothing about anything at all.

If opening my heavy eyelids means I'll destroy everything,

Then let it all turn black !

- Bad Apple. Youtube video.

Omgah. EOYs are coming. Screw it.

I'll let the apple turn black.

Wrong.

2010-09-10T07:04:00.001-07:00

And you know something is wrong when you start to feel something for the man you supposedly hate...

Hah. Jinghui's house is pretty. :D

Retry.

2010-09-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

I always bump into people i never want to see.

Bushed

2010-09-02T04:58:00.000-07:00

Why did you make a promise when you know you couldn't fulfill it?

I don't know if i should quit dance. On one hand, i know i like dancing. But it's conforming me. & i don't want that. Bleurgh. I hate choices.

Gibbs

2010-08-31T08:09:00.001-07:00

I've forgotten how it feels like to be normal.

Life's such a mess now. I'm still pretty much lost about this and that. But NCIS is still the same old awesome shit. Gibbs. :D

It gets tiring.

2010-08-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

I want to stop doubting this feeling.

This is wearing me out. I want it to stop but it would never stop would it? :/

Shit you.

2010-08-05T05:32:00.001-07:00

I'll bend you till you're crooked because you are.

I'm not feeling very pleasant right now. Mr Ow just assigned Arthur, OF ALL PEOPLE, to our group. After i had already told him that i despise Arthur. Screw it.

Today's rehearsal was better than Monday's. Maybe it was because Sarah, Timothy, Paul, Ern Jie & Jolene were there today. But definitely not because Arthur and Austin came.

Okay, i'm not in a mood to post anymore, thanks to memories. Augh.

Faked.

2010-07-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

Signed out yesterday during History. Miss Yan wasn't teaching anyway.

I don't know how to face Miss Wee after the stupid meeting. Tch.

Felt like shit. Went to visit a polyclinic at Clementi. It's cheap. O:

Saw 2 Secondary 2 Netballers. I always see the both of them.

Got a splitting headache when i reached home. Slept.

Woke up at around 1800. Read The Associate by John Grisham. It's interesting.

Slept at 2150, without touching my laptop at all. Hehehe.

Today, was horrible. I kept coughing throughout the days.

& stupid things made me cry. Pfft. I feel like i owe Nicholas, Cheyenne, Crystal and Rachel Huang something. Gahh.

Went for Bio remedial after school. Sat next to Venessa. She has a nice voice. Haha. Didn't talk to her though. But i guess she's pretty funny ? (:

Went for CCA afterwards. IT'S SUCH CRAP. CCA's such a waste of time. -:-

Bah, whatever.

I think i'm hallucinating.

I don't ever want to see you again.

Ceased.

2010-07-26T05:13:00.000-07:00

I want to stop living. I want to put everything down, and just. Stop functioning.

Had parents meeting with teachers today. I think Mr Chua lied. He said all students had to attend the meeting with the teachers. Z. So embarrassing.

Cried when Miss Wee talked to my mum. It was, surprising. To say the least. She actually got most of her facts right. About the stress thing anyway. Guh. So embarrassing. Stupid Chua. I'm gonna have to settle some scores with him tomorrow. Pfft.

To just stop isn't as easy as it sounds.

Uniqlo

2010-07-20T05:34:00.000-07:00

Sick. Tired. Stressed. Envious. Angry. Dizzy.

I really don't know what to do. Nothing at all.

I got my gray jacket now. It's really soft. How sweet.

Chinese.

2010-07-15T03:05:00.000-07:00

I have concluded that Allen refuses to tell me the secret of being good at Chinese because i own him at all the other subjects. & that Eechang is a stalker. Or something.

Gillian thinks i'm anorexic. ):

It's not as if i'm skinny or anything, i just don't like to eat.

How is that being anorexic ? Bzzt. & i don't go on and on about fats. Teehee.

Fats. O:

I don't know what i'm even doing.

Regrets.

2010-07-09T02:16:00.001-07:00

You can't take back what you used to have in the past, so appreciate what you have in the present because it may be taken away from you in a split second.

It's too late for me to regret now. They both like each other now. Hah.

I'm so bored. Z.

Notes

2010-07-06T00:35:00.000-07:00

It isn't anyone's fault. Only mine. But i want to blame someone, i want to blame someone so bad so i know it wasn't my fault that hours of note making (on all my subjects) are gone. It was all gone and deleted. In less than a minute.

I don't want to put up anymore pretenses in school. I just want to be myself. To actually have a friend i can trust fully. Then again, why do i not trust people ? Why ? I don't know the reason anymore.

2010-07-03T02:04:00.000-07:00

"Cuts.
Are my obession.
The action is my addiction.
The blood is my acidic poison.
The reason is my selfish excuse.
The penknife is my abusive weapon of mass destruction.
My arm is my war field.
Just as it is my canvas for bloody designs.
The redness is my unspoken anger.
The red glow is my gleaming guilt.
The tears is the bitter after-taste.
The wound is my stinging pain.
Sometimes too numb to feel.
Broken skin that reflects a broken heart.
A millon or more pieces of me.
Suddenly as if i could break free.
Yet be weighed down by the gravity of my physical sin.
Cuts.
I breathe deeply whilst choing to death.
Cuts.
I fly whilst losing my wings.
Cuts.
I find the door without any key.
Cuts.
Are my answer without a reason.
Cuts.
Reveal my indecent exposure of sheer nakedness.
Cuts.
Are my comfort blanket.
Cuts.
When i fel helpless at the same time feel safe.
Cuts.
My sorrow and my lonely relief.
Cuts.
My last resort.
Cuts.
My act of violence.
Cuts.
When i fight my silent battles.
Cuts.
I am the mercy of my lack of self-control.
Cuts.
That heal by time only to leave stretched scars behind.
Scars that will very wel leave a rememberance of a suicidal mystery.
Cuts.
An invasion of my privacy.
Cuts.
A little insight to my history.
Cuts.
A struggle fought by many.
And only won by the minority.
Cuts.
An ugliness that is shown outside.
Only to be hidden by lies.
Cuts.
Scars.
I die."

- Copyrighted by dreamer11 on deviantart

Sometimes, i feel like cutting. I'd press my fingernail hard to the surface of my skin. I'd press it down, hoping it'd bleed. Bleed me to death. It's a cowardly escape, i understand.

Rants.

2010-06-25T00:46:00.001-07:00

I'm ranting here.

I'm so sick of this. Every night, my mum would speak badly of my dad. They would ignore each other and everytime in each drama serial they show on TV with a woman acting as a prostitute she'd hiss around. Everytime there's an unfilial husband, she'd make snarky comments. I'm so sick of it. Because it's hypocritical of her. In front of people, she acts as if she's okay with my dad. & i wonder why she just can't say it out to him. My dad on the other hand, ignores her comments and pretends he didn't hear them. How pretentious.

I'm so sick of it. Just. Sick and tired. I just want this to end.

Trust.

2010-06-25T00:26:00.001-07:00

How can you trust someone again when they've exposed everything about you before ?

Hallelujah. I'm going to fail my summative tests.

I hope i can skip school on the first day.

Bye.

Addiction

2010-06-22T17:10:00.000-07:00

What should not have happened has, and i don't know what to do now.

Bummer. I still have 3 Combined Humanities questions & a lot of A Math left.

There's so many blanks in almost all my homework too. -.-

I can't drop now. Gah.

Okay, i've nothing else to post.

So bye.

OH NOOOOOOO

2010-06-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

Oh no. I'm super laggy on A Math. & i'm not willing to go back for tuition because of Saturday.

AHHHH.

Pride or future ?

HM.

Justin Bieber still sounds gay. :D

But his songs are nice. :D

Does that make sense ? O:

Lady Antebellum

2010-06-15T05:24:00.001-07:00

Define friend.

13 June 2010

Went for church super early. :)

Reached there at 1015. Sprinkled some water on the floor by accident. Tehee.

Went for class after worship. Is it called worship ? Hmm.

Gillian called me twice during class. HAHA. My phone's vibration is super loud.

Hid my phone the first time she called. The second time, my phone was at the back.

& then it vibrated during prayer. So i excused myself. Everybody was like, laughing. -.-

But it was funny. Going bzzt, bzzt, bzzt. HAHA.

Rushed to Vivo after that. Met with Gillian near Candy Empire and passed her her present. :D

Then we went to Golden Village to meet up with Edric. I didn't recognize him at first. Lol.

Went to Page One. :D Looked around for books, didn't find anything interesting. Bzzt.

Then went to Challenger. Or is it Challengers ?

Okay, anyway. Point is, David saw me. HAHA. It was such a shock. Shushed him (:D) and then went to another section. Jinxiang came after that. Went out immediately. HAHA.

It was kinda funny, but pointless. :D

Went to Kopitiam to have lunch after finding Kenneth. Haha.

Ate our lunch. It was funny, looking at the way Gillian & Edric interact. :D

Went to the Sky Garden after that. :D

Celebrated Gillian's birthday. :D

Kenneth cannot light a candle properly without getting wax all over his cake.

HAHA.

After staying there playing around for 2 hours, we went to the theater.

Nanny McPhee & the Big Bang ! is awesome. HAHA.

Okay, i've nothing else to post. Except about yesterday. It was totally rubbish.

Bzzt. Rest of the week is gonna have to be there. GAH.

Ohh. Justin Bieber is awesome. HAHA. :D

Where did the trust go ?

2010-06-05T02:42:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was the dance concert. It was funny. The third one. I was lost for quite a while so i didn't reach there till the third one. It wasn't on purpose, seriously. But whatever. Curtis and Jeremiah let me in. Jeremiah was surprised i got lost. Why ? I had no idea. Wee-Lin led me to the seat and Lincoln + Martin made some comment about me being late. Z. -.-

So here's what happened :

I took 166. I didn't know which stop i was suppose to alight at. I asked the bus uncle to tell me when to stop. He told me when and i alighted. He told me to cross the road and walk straight. And so i did. I walked till Sim Lim Square (or something) and then figured i wasn't going in the right direction. So i walked back to the junction and crossed the road again and walked past The Verge. & I walked and walked and walked. I walked to Little India. How i knew ? There were a lot of Indians. Like, a lot. It was kind of creepy, since they were all glancing in my direction quite a few times. I met all their eyes. It was creepy. End of Story. Cabbed there in the end & Fionna was pretty humored by the fact that i got lost. Har de har har.

I HAVE NOT STARTED ON COMBINE HUMANITIES. ALL MY WORK ARE HALF DONE.

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I saw you yesterday again, you smiled at me. Or so i thought.
I really miss you as my friend. When did you change ? How could i not have realised ?
Could you please talk to me again ? This is impossible isn't it. I wish to go back to Primary 6.
When we were all best friends and had regular fights which we all made up, sooner or later.
When everything was perfect.

The Last Goodbye.

2010-05-25T03:04:00.001-07:00

I've never wanted this.

I like Ludacris's accent. Super nice. :D

Moxilen stinks. It really does. It tastes like crap. & smells like one too. Z.

Everything's going all wrong. I studied for A Math & i still can't do it.

Twenty One Seconds

2010-05-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

& the world around me disappears.

It's been extremely stressful lately. I found out i have another C. (Groan) Chinese and Literature.

I don't understand Chinese. I really don't. & because everyone thinks a Chinese should know Chinese, i try to live up to their expectations and study it. But i simply don't understand. All the Chinese characters look alike. All of them. I don't understand the meaning, the difference. Chinese has evolved into a totally unrecognizable language in my eyes. How am i suppose to tell this to my mum? How am i suppose to communicate with my grandmother? How am i suppose to even pass O Levels in this state ? I really don't know.

As for Literature, i'm totally devoid of feelings that we are suppose to feel for the characters. I simply don't see why i'm suppose to feel sad for Wing when i think he deserves it for being such a indecisive and going-along-with-the-flow guy who wouldn't do a single thing even if it was to his disadvantage! I don't see how i'm suppose to feel for Daren Shiau's characters when i don't think the same way as they do. I don't know how to shape my perspective to look at it the same way they do. I just don't see how. I really don't.

What must i do to change? What must i do, to be able to see these blind things? I don't know.

I know i'm blindly putting stress on myself by thinking this way but i can't change my thinking just yet. Puh.

Ridiculous

2010-05-18T07:01:00.000-07:00

& I remember the times when you said it.

(Sigh) I miss Mila & Nada ! ):

I miss the days where i'd pester Gillian at night for food and the night where she pestered me for details regarding something that cannot be posted here. (: Haha.

Okay. I suppose i must be happy i have only gotten a 'C' so far. & that's for literature so i have an excuse but. It's kinda disappointing, after i promised people that i wouldn't get any 'C's this year. Puuuh.

I think this is cool: Marrying an Arabian guy, adopting an African American kid. Teaching him how to speak fluent English, Japanese, Chinese and Hokkien. HAHA. Imagine the introduction. >D

There always isn't enough patience to go around the world.

Hole in the heart.

2010-05-17T02:21:00.000-07:00

It all starts making sense, and i know the answers to the questions i have in my head.

It's delightful, when you score high marks for your tests. It's horribly delightful.

But the euphoria i feel come plummeting down when i remember my mother's expectations of me.

& i've no escape for that kind of stress. So i think i'd rather get above average marks, and not wonderful high marks. Yes.

I like Channel [V]. :D

I'm gonna join the church choir with Novia this June holidays. Yay.

" I miss everything about you. "

Sometimes, i wish i have Asperger's. If i did, then i could be painfully literal and get away with it. I wouldn't be expected to understand things that seems easy for the rest to comprehend.

I HATE CHINESE.

2010-05-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

Like the title said. Did i mention i hate partial fractions too ?

I can't listen to anybody's voice when i'm doing those, or i'll burst. Pfft.

I miss Bali. I miss Gillian and Room Service. We were all so epic. ;D

Hehe. & Miss Wee is super cool. HAHA.

Bali 2010

2010-05-10T00:39:00.000-07:00

All i have to say to you is this : If you don't treasure what you have now and treat them like crap, then maybe you should reflect on your actions and stop doing it you idiot.

AHH. Bali was so epic.

I'll update. One day. WHEE.

IT'S BALI BABY !

2010-04-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

My mum refuses to let me go to the airport early. & to make it worse, she's coming. Z!

I hope she leaves me alone. Z.

SEE ME WHILE YOU STILL CAN PEOPLE. HAHAHAHAHA.

Constance did I-Share today with Benjamin ! :D

Job well done i say, job well done. :D

I'm proud to say i'm not addicted to the internet.

Are you ? <:

Let it be seen.

2010-04-27T05:14:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired. I'm so sick of trying to find ways. Ways to solve things, ways to find the joy in learning again. It's taking out so much on me. I wonder if the reason why i haven't break yet is because of God. Hm.

Biology test. A Math test. I do not like Week 6.

We dissected a heart today.

I was a little grossed out at first, but it was fun once you got used to the texture. Heh. :D

I stuck my finger through one of the arteries (or whatever it is) and grossed the people in the same group as me - Jessica, Crystal and Austin. HEH.

Bali next Monday. Whee.

How are we suppose to be ourselves, when it would mean hurting people close to us?

Southern Cross

2010-04-23T05:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know if i'd be able to goooo.

The only good thing that happened this week was today.
I'm too lazy to elaborate. But today's just plain fun. Except during recess.

Recess = Waste of time. Z.

Kaboom. I'm so tired. Night.

It's over.

2010-04-18T03:56:00.001-07:00

I'm a walking and living paradox. I'm something that shouldn't have existed at all.

That present, is the last. So don't worry.

I'm excited about the Bali trip, really.

But once i see you, reality comes crashing down on me and i remember the promise i've made.

& i become all glum and all. Shi Min cheers me up. She's the best.

I mean it when i said i didn't want anybody to care for me.

I have a reason. I selfish reason. I don't mind if it's temporary, but if it's permanent. Get away. Please. I can't break this promise.

& i wonder why you ever said that.

Figuring

2010-04-14T03:59:00.000-07:00

I think i've got it. Too bad it's too late.

Went to United Square after school today. It's really really cool.

But going there by MRT is a pain. Really. Take 166 there instead. It's long but well. It's worth it.

I actually got a little lost in United Square. Stupid but typical of me so bah. Whatever.

Walked up, came down. Walked around, and I found Made in Candy. :D

Bought a jar and refilled one. Then i decided to walk around. Went to buy a small coke.

I feel so broke now. -.-

I went past Vienna, a seafood buffet restaurant and i remembered.

I've went there before, when i was young. I remember whining outside because of the unbearable heat. But i complained about the cold once we're in. Heh, when you're a kid, nothing can satisfy you.

Walked towards a bus stop to see which buses are available.

& yeah, that was when i found out about 166 going there.

Went opposite and took 166 back. It was a long ride, one that i enjoyed.

I was reading The Lovely Bones on the bus and i occasionally looked up, to look at the scenery.

I went past many places, familiar and unfamiliar. It seemed so strange, to be looking at the buildings from another place. To see it go past you quickly, like a fading memory. Yet when you look back, it's still there. The bus went past the capital theater (or something) that Miss Chan had showed us on her laptop before. It really changed a lot. From bring a theater to the building it is now. The color probably remained the same, everything was. Except for the removal of the UK flag and the large screen thing.

It made me think this : Was urbanization really necessary for Singapore to be what it is today ? Why is it that these pretty buildings which are part of Singapore's history need to change ? Could they not preserve it to let the young ones see ?

Okay, bah. I'm done.

Happy Birthday, Eveland + Martin. (Belated)

Well. Not as if they'll see this. Toodles.

Crisis

2010-04-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

Monday : I do not remember anything, except it was raining and thus had our 5 stations on that day instead of our 2.4km. Did alright for everything i guess, except for sit and reach + standing broad jump. Bah.

Tuesday: I screwed up my Biology test. Beeeeeh.

Wednesday: A Math tuition for 4 hours. Guess what. It didn't help at all.

Thursday: Got my sweets from Shaun. I definitely failed my A Math test. Did 2.4. Ran with Jess. We managed to get a timing of 15 minutes +. Was feeling so high afterwards. Haha. But i remembered my A Math test and then i calmed down. Meh. I'm still not used to the sight of daddy wearing braces.

Friday: Chapelthon 2010 = epic. Kinda relaxed after the first few songs. Haha. Jessica, Venetia, Paul and the other guy was funny. Sabari came too. & Jessica's family is super nice. :D

Poof.

I'm stuck doing my history assignment in which i have no clue on how you complete this.

So gimme some clues already you stupid piece of paper. I don't like to stare at you.

"The thing is, you can't absolutely believe in something ever again if it had not met up to your expectations again."

Habits.

2010-04-05T04:50:00.000-07:00

And then i'd wonder what i'd do without you.

So much for freedom.

My parents insist on me participating on the confirmation thing next year. I do not look forward to it for personal reasons. Do not ask.

Biology test tomorrow, all the best kids.

Next Tuesday.

Oh yeah baby.

2010-03-29T04:01:00.000-07:00

Last post for this week unless i feel something needs to be said.

I bought House Rules and The Lovely Bones yesterday. Be jealous.

I've accidentally ruined my cousin's copy of The Time Traveller's Wife. Fantabulous.

Ohohoh, i've also (finally) bought the Chinese 3B textbook + workbook and the word guide book. Or something.

Going for consultation with Miss Wee makes my head spin.

Lifeless.

2010-03-29T02:16:00.001-07:00

This is absolutely fantastically wonderful. I'm going to Bali.

I screwed up both of my tests today. Pretty awesome huh ?

WTH IS GOING ON IN MY BRAIN. I answer before i think y'know.

Gahh.

Unchanged.

2010-03-24T05:49:00.000-07:00

Sunday :

Went for church. I was early. Awesome right ? :D

Wanted to switch places with Novia because i wanted the air con seat.

IT'S SO SAD THAT SHE DIDN'T SWITCH WITH MEEEEEEEEE.

But i was fine after that because i already felt cold.

Played broken telephone. My memory for bible verses is really CMI. Sigh.

Clarence was the first. He passed on the message to me. & then i broke it.

Phwee. So fail. I was at the second last for the second one. Haha. :D

It was better than the first because when i heard it, it was only 3 words. :D

But it didn't even make sense so i suppose it was bad in a way too.

Waited for Hin Yee's parents. Left before eating lunch with them thanks to some stuff.

Went for tuition after finishing up. No fairsians go for Bio on Sundays. Z.

Monday

I don't remember anything about Monday. Except for the lame Higher Mother Tongue thing Yong Xuan asked me to help her with. It's super embarrassing. So i shall not talk about it.

Tuesday

It was freezing. PE was funny except for our resident frat boys who pissed me off. R&D too. I love R&D. Haha.

Wednesday

Nothing special happened. Except today, we changed our seats. Ho, ho, ho.

Y'know what, i still can't solve one of my A Math question.

Exercise 2A, question 10. Additional Math.

I'm glad it's cleared up. :D

Cropping

2010-03-19T05:07:00.001-07:00

Sleeping at 5am is the worst thing ever.

Everything breaks.

I've completed everything. Except my SS SEQ and one last book review.
Everyone, be jealous. :D

I don't know what's going on with my mind. I keep looking through past photos and thinking about things. Which just makes me more confused. I need to stop thinking. Although it was said to boost your brain power. (Said by someone, i forgot who) Meh. How stupid of me.

Going to school in the morning tomorrow to (hopefully) find my social studies notebook. Then going for tuition with Litooooooong. :D

Okay, i'm off to finish my book review.

Toodles.

[edit]

I didn't go for tuition in the end. Neither did i go to school.

Z. Everything didn't go according to plan. -.-

As usual.

I feel like i'm being watched. But i guess that's just my imagination.

Morning/Night World. Take your pick.

[/edit]

Mel & Banana :D

2010-03-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was really disappointing.

Went for tuition today. :D

I SAW MEL. WOO HOO. I know right, like. FINALLY.

JOANNA TOOOOOOOOOOOOO. She has short hair too ! :D

I thought her hair would be longer by now. Hehe.

Mel said my hair was cute. O: First time eh. Haha.

Watched Nodame Cantabile to meet people after eating Macs with Joanna + crossword.

It's gooooooood. Haha, incredibly funny.

Too bad there's a part II. Coming out on the seventeenth of April.

I'm gonna make space to go out and watch it ! :D

Oh. About tag replies, i'm sorry. I'm too lazy to reply or tag on your chat board but don't worry, i read it. Haha. :D

Temptations

2010-03-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

Homework to be completed :

2 Book Reviews

Status: 1 completed

A Math Worksheet

Status: To be completed

E Math Textbook Homework

Status: Completed

Edu Online + FCYD

Status: To be completed

Literature

Status: Completed

Chemistry

Status: Completed

Combined Humanities

Status: Lost.

Thank goodness there isn't any Biology homework. I'm done for if i can't find my Combined Humanities worksheet.

Ninomiya sent a message saying the outing's cancelled.

Please tell me he's kidding.

[edit]

Ninomiya wasn't kidding. Crap.

I don't understand why people don't want to go out and catch up.

Okay, fine. Maybe it's only me who wants to go. If that's the case, it really sucks.

Gahh. Whatever, i think i'll still go. I wonder if there's anyone who think like i do. Haha.

[/edit]

I Know It's Confusing You.

2010-03-12T04:38:00.000-08:00

Hello World. It's the end of term 1. I still can't believe 2010's here. -.-

I'm satisfied with this term's results. I know i shouldn't be but hey. It's a first for me to get a B3 for Chinese since i've entered Secondary School. Isn't that considered as an improvement ? :D Okay, whatever. My mum wouldn't be satisfied anyway.

I have no other comments on anything else. Yes, including cross country.

Because you don't want to hear the pain, you turn away.

I wonder who's going for the 6G'07 outing.

I can't do it.

2010-03-09T05:56:00.000-08:00

I'm having major moodswings lately. So sorry if i suddenly go all 'AHH' or 'HEHEHE' on you.

PE was funny. Cause i was feeling high. Too bad it only lasted for a while.

My mum's mad because i didn't give her Swiss Bake chocolate chip cookies.

I dreamt that you said you hated me. Do you ?

No one

2010-03-08T03:52:00.000-08:00

I failed my E Math OMA.

I just passed my English Comprehension. Literally just pass.

Where am i going ? I don't want to return to my past habits.

So bye.

I still don't understand Shekinah's clues.

I feel dumber than ever.

It's not over yet is it ?

2010-03-06T03:00:00.000-08:00

It isn't the whole class. ):

Hope RCY did okay for their drill competitions. They trained so hard for it!

& i didn't go and support them in the end. Sigh. I'm really sorry Cherra, Gillian & Grace.

FORGIVE ME.

Yeah, i didn't go for YF today. Another sad thing but i haven't finish my E Math homework yet. Sigh. I dislike E Math. Mdm Halizah can't teach. -.-

Y'know. Everytime i want to look for Miss Lee, she's missing. Seriously, she doesn't pick up her extension number and nobody knows where she is. Z! I can't do 1 question for A Math! Should i bring it tomorrow ?

Ahh. What a hard decision. Should i or should i not bring A Math ? I'll weigh the pros and cons later.

Cross Country next Thursday. I'm only looking forward to the music. Hehe. Please tell me it'll rain next week.

CA1 results are gonna be out next week. (shocked)

I KNOW RIGHT. 1 term is almost over ! Ah, i miss being young.

I do not look forward to seeing my E Math & SS results. Plus Literature. Sigh.

Maybe this'll all just be a dream.

Google Chrome

2010-03-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

MF shuts down on me -> I uninstall it.

Went to Fusion with Shekinah and Andrea. Met Miss Yang at the entrance. Super cool. :D

Talked. Took 2 pictures. Left.

Did A Math.

I CAN'T FIGURE OUT TWO QUESTIONS.

Night.

Stressed

2010-03-03T07:19:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling extremely stressed right now. Thanks a lot logarithms. I do not like you.

I'm starting to get confused about surds and indices right now. :/
Crap man. I don't want to. -.-
Gonna wake up at 1 later. 2 hours of sleep. I think i can survive.
Coffee ftw.

All the best for A Math test everyone. Don't be an idiot like me to rush it.

It's not over.

2010-03-02T03:25:00.001-08:00

Let me avoid you for a while, just a little while.
I'm not ready to see the truth yet.
I'm sorry.

Nicholas said something that struck me yesterday, on msn. He said that i need someone to care for me. I'm gonna prove to him i'm not weak. -.-

I feel like an idiot for mistaking the date of the A Math test. -.- I woke up early and slept late for nothing. Okay, well. Maybe not nothing.

Homework time. Taa.

P.S: You stink so bad.
(I'm sure everybody knows who. I find people who can stand him and his nasal voice commendable. They deserve an award. Seriously.)

3rd day of 5 hours.

2010-03-01T06:41:00.000-08:00

Just one more week, let me pull through and not collapse.

Shi Min's the best.

I didn't do very well for my most recent E Math and Literature test.
I wasn't very surprised at Literature, i knew i'd get a low mark but to be worse than my previous test ? Crap. As for E Math, i thought i'd at least be able to get 17 and above. Guess i expect too much of myself.

Moral: Aim only for what you can achieve. Proceed on to the next level once you're confident.

I'm getting dizzy spells. Maybe it's due to the lack of sleep i've been getting lately, i don't know. But it sure sucks. Body World's tomorrow. Hehehe.

I haven't done my social studies + do tuition revision work.

All the best for everyone's A Math test.

(I can't believe term 1's ending soon !)

0300

2010-02-28T13:17:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update.

Sunday: Awesome. Xanthe didn't come again. ): /sigh/ Slept for 5 hours. My sister slept 8. She was more tired than me & she didn't even do anything much ! -.-

Serena took our class. :D Hehe. Played a game with logo/lego/ whatever you spell it as. Novia, Clarence and Jinxiang were in one group. Teacher Victoria, David and i were in the other. & we didn't have the picture. <: So we won cause we had an easier time.

Moral ? Being a good Christian isn't easy.

Figure out why that's it. Haha. I'm too lazy to explain. Especially at this crazy our of the day.

Ooh. I like matchmaking. :D HEHE.

DID I MENTION ? WE COMPLETED OUR BIOGRAPHY PRESENTATION ! <:
& we even managed to make a tumblr for our R&D project. HEHE. But i'm too lazy to link it now so... Guess all of you would just have to wait for it.

I'm off to do my A Math revision, byebye.